I just went to see my psychiatrist. All happy and looking forward for a scrip for Modafinil.

But no. He asked about the balance of meds I'm on, and told me that my speech was a little slurred and that I seemed mildly intoxicated and that I need to back off on Klonopin.

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Its interesting, I'm really pissed off about having my bubble bursted, thinking that I was on a good set of meds. I have half an urge to throw things across the room and break them. And at the same time I'm totally mellow about it. Getting less mellow the more I write though.

My knee hurts.

So as I've noted before, I typically need 10hrs/night to feel rested, and I really hate this. "Need" means things like feeling safe to drive. Having a hard time keeping my eyes open without said amount.

Lately its gotten worse. We're talking sleeping 11 to 12hrs. Sadly I haven't been tracking sleep amounts. I think this change may well be do to getting back on Klonopin, an anti-anxiety bipolar med that has a side effect of making one sleepy. I haven't noticed being sleepy on it, but perhaps thats just because I'm condensing the sleepiness into real sleep.

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Patri's been reading me excerpts from a book about psychosis. I've appreciated all of the bits Patri has told me about: they fit with my model of reality.

One that is key for me is this notion of "fearful perplexity." Basically, the strong sense that something bad is happening, without it being tied to reality.

I'm aware of experiencing this on several occasions. And I think it actually happens to me all the time: I just usually find something to attribute the sensation to. Ie: my brain feels the sensation and then makes shit up to have it makes sense. Very plausible shit, I typically buy into my own story: its only because of a lot of self analysis and experience that I come to consciousness on occasion that my reality isn't what it seems to be. And everything is shades of gray of course, hence the believability.

The article refers to "fearful perplexity" as a form of delirium. It claims that distractible attention probably the first cognitive deficit to emerge with delirium. I've been diagnosed ADD, and my concentration has been getting worse over time. The article suggests that sleep disorders are probably correlated, so who knows, maybe the sleep study I'll be doing might shed some light, although I expect to be disappointed with a diagnosis of "no, you just sleep a lot."

( Here's a link to the book, and the excerpt that Patri pulled out for me )