Since I start with The Controller when I try Big Mind, I have talked with that voice many times now. More often than not its the only voice I get to, because I can easily talk from it for the full length of my attention span.

I've been fascinated by how much the voice changes each time, and how the voice easily still finds more things to say and nuances to explore. Layers and nuances.

Its like getting to know someone. With The Controller I started off with the awkward getting-to-know you conversation. Who are you, what do you do. Today the conversation was about how The Controller is not The Analytic Mind. The Controller encompasses understanding, not the other way around. The Controller is Action. Doing. A switch flipped or flipping a switch. Understanding not required.

Since I identify as The Analytic Self, it drives me crazy to think that there is something in control that does not stem from reason, which is what I addressed as The Controller this evening.

In general, I really love this Big Mind stuff. Its perspectives that I would not think to flesh out without this particular approach. In retrospect, its easy to say that yes, there is an aspect of the self that controls what the self does. But to actually speak from that part, and have a conversation about what the job of the controller entails, in mature and immature ways, ways in which it is repressed and comes out covertly, etc., that leads to new territory.

Its also a nice break from spinning my wheels ;) Stepping into a voice gives my mind something to do. It creates a game and exploration and direction without other presence needed. And there are a bazillion different possible voices, so there's no danger of the game ever ending.

And I like how Big Mind works. As you come to know and accept a voice, it becomes integrated. More functional, because pretty much everything functions better when you accept what it is. Given acceptance you can use it to the best of its possible potential, as opposed to trying to make it do something that it's not capable of, or not stretching enough because of lack of knowledge of possibilities.

Disclaimer: this is my own theorizing, I am not trained in Big Mind facilitation, theory, or anything else professional about the practice.

( Sexual experience, including a bit that could potentially be upsetting )

My doing this was inspired by both the workshops, as has been the case with a lot of my behaviors lately. These two have obviously had a huge impact, given how often I refer to them.

The message from both of them is to just be transparent about emotions, even when they're really not what you want to feel. When we repress what we feel to do what we think we should, the emotions are still there, and come out covertly. One way they come out for me is a general deadening of emotional life.

( how Big Mind fits into this )

Also, its really nice how much more accepting Patri has been since our workshop. Having been drilled about the difference between the masculine and feminine way of moving through the world, he has more space for my fluidly changing emotional landscapes, even though he's still baffled by them ;)

I think my journal is a good example. I write one thing one day, and then am embarrassed about it the next. Or no longer identify with it. Something I write will be of monumental importance to me in the evening, and the next day, the next hour, its a passing self absorbed thought. Each state is real to me. I've tried all my life to have a consistent "me" that agrees with what it says one moment in the next moment. And its a great relief to just accept that my perspective changes, often drastically, with my moods, which change constantly.

There are of course some things that stay the same for a long time, likely for all of my life. Such as my faith that acceptance of self generally leads to a happier self. As well as the that there is a need to put on masks for the world, even when they are not necessary for masking for one's self.

I'm making progress both with myself and with Patri. Especially with Patri, its something I am approaching gingerly and with a strong connection where I can read when he is or isn't ready for something.

An area where I accept myself and he doesn't is my anger. He takes it very personally and stonewalls hard if I come on too strongly. I think he believes me about how anger, even really intense anger, from me, is passing, and likely won't be a big deal for me five minutes after expressing. Emotionally he is not ready.

Ever since the Big Mind retreat, I've been having dreams of experiences of different levels of consciousness. The dreams vary widely. My subconscious seems to be having a great time exploring whatever it may be that my conscious mind isn't getting.

I'm thrilled with the notion of doing work in my sleep. Continuing on that path is something I value. Go subconscious go!

I see CTI's Process Coaching and dualistic voices in Big Mind as very similar. Which is not surprising since both are geared toward the path of enlightenment.

The way I see them both, in the way that I use them, is a method of untying knots. There are these places where there are balls of fear or sadness or other places within us where we don't go. We spend a lot of energy skirting around these things.

With Process Coaching, you delve into these scary places and see what's really there. In doing so, you create more blood flow and less that you need to tip toe around, helping you to integrate more of yourself and become stronger and more robust.

Today I had some important pieces click into place for me.

One very helpful piece was practicing Process with some other coaches. The coaches that I was working with weren't fans of Process, and therefore weren't going very deeply into it. It was an interesting vantage point to see them put a toe in and then pull it out repeatedly.

If you stay on the surface, the only place you ever go is the surface. Until outside forces intervene. I want to swim.

The best I can describe what it is that clicked, is that several times today I've been moving more deeply into my experience without actively putting myself there. And when I've noticed that I was in deeper, I've been able to reinforce it.

This practice is definitely going to change my life. Even if I don't go to any more workshops, I got enough to chew on from this one to keep me busy for many years. I highly recommend checking it out:

www.genpo.org

Despite not needing to, I do think it would speed up the process to go to more workshops, and I hope to make another workshop when I can. Maybe I'll go for a week during the month long extravaganza next year.

I'll let you all know when the dvd I was in comes out. In addition to learning from it, you can watch me make a total ass of myself ;)

I've had another day of trying really hard to stop trying. I suspect given much more of this I will get there by sheer exhaustion.

Some things to work on for me, in addition to not working, are:

Getting control of my Controller, or rather, taking ownership of my Controller so that it can be directly in control rather than covertly.

Taking ownership of several other aspects.

Realizing that there is no self.

Owning meaninglessness, as opposed to now, where I say I believe in meaninglessness but keep looking for meaning.

Realizing that I am meaningful, and important. That I matter.

I'm really looking forward to seeing these dvds. Right now it feels like things are happening so fast that I don't have time to get it. Of course, there is the paradox of trying to know things that can't be known, and that my trying to understand them won't get me anywhere. But maybe it will. After all, we are all here trying to figure something out. That something largely being how to not figure out something. Ah well.

One amusing point today was when I channeled my inner five year old. "If we're all perfect the way we are, why are we here? Why don't we all just walk out?" I spent a whole break bouncing these questions off of people, and ended up in tears, of what, I'm not sure.

My roommate mentioned people getting broken down during this process. I'm definitely feeling there today.

I've been embracing the role of ignorant beginner today. I figure its an important role to be played in this work, and, well, it is authentically where I'm at. My Fool feels very validated. And allows me wisdom :)

A piece that I just owned is my courage. A lot of people complimented me on my courage for putting myself in the spotlight yesterday by saying I wasn't getting to the Big Mind place.

I brushed it off, as is my habit, by saying that once I made that initial step of raising my hand, I was just going with the flow. This is the essence of what I have said about all adventurous things I do. The bravery was only in the first bit, and I negate that bit.

But in listening to the admiration from a fellow student, I realized that this wasn't true. That I did repeatedly and courageously make the choice to stick my neck out.

OMFG, what have I gotten myself into?!??

I didn't think the camera would effect me, I really didn't, but wow. Jesus Christ, I'm so aware of the fact that any of you all could see me in such a vulnerable place...

As xleste has noted, I'm way out of my comfort zone.

I sat like a stone through The Protector, amusing myself by alternating between congratulating my protector for doing such a great job and disowning it because its being disowned protects me from making the progress that I supposedly want. (yes, that sentence was meant to be convoluted) I finally started moving a little toward the end of The Controller, and was thrilled when the voice of The Skeptic came around, because that voice I can speak from comfortably.

I'm a lot more relaxed now, and feel ready to lean into this more tomorrow.