I was just describing a scenario to a friend, about a scenario, in which I realized in retrospect, that I was very compassionate.

It occurred to me the other day that when I try to feel compassion, what I've been going for has been pity. I was doing it with Tovar the other night. I started with feeling sorry for him, then feeling guilty about not being a better parent, then resentful about the burden.

That is the pattern I identified: Pity -> Self Blame -> Guilt -> Resentment. No compassion in that. No wonder people hate pity.

So, compassion. I was listening to Ken Wilber's Kosmic Consciousness recently.* Wilber referred to his model as signposts. As with the color red, you can't describe the things he was talking about. The words are simply sign posts that point in the direction of what he's trying to get across. I believe that compassion is one of these puzzles. Something that can be felt but cannot be conveyed through description.

I know I feel compassion. There are two areas that I can identify readily. One is as a life coach. I think part of what makes it so easy is that my ego is not very involved. I did not cause whatever ails my clients, or whatever they're happy about. I'm along for the journey as a witness, sounding board, and source of wisdom.

The other area is watching movies. Again, ego is out on the sidelines. I'm totally captivated by the characters. Witnessing, identifying with how they feel in various scenarios (empathizing), and caring about what happens to them.

My guess as to the best description of compassion is empathy + caring for the person - ego investment.

Perhaps that is why it doesn't seem to be working for me to try to feel compassion. Ego is involved in trying.

Now how do I try without trying? My best guess is to immerse myself in more situations where it comes naturally. Or perhaps, just continue immersing myself in situations where it comes naturally. The active as opposed to passive of personal interaction v.s. movie watching seems very important.

* _{Wilber's mapping stimulated a lot of interesting thought for me, but I wasn't able to suspend disbelief once he started talking about reincarnation. I'm at a point where he's finished laying out his map and has just gotten into reincarnation, so I might try it again skipping to the next chapter: I'd like to hear more about his mapping in action.}

I've been really wanting to do E so as to find a window into compassion. E is absolutely out for me, because anything speedy is likely to trigger mania. It just occurred to me, oxytocin!! I'll wait for Patri to verify it for me in the morning, but this really looks like what I want, thanks radium for posting about this awhile back!

I don't think I got the douse of it that most moms get, with not having a third trimester and then pumping milk rather than breast feeding a baby (Tovar has an arched palate and could not breast feed).

Compassion has remained a big theme for this new year, I'm excited about this potential breakthrough! My hope is that I can establish the pathways with some treatment and then be able to walk through them on my own once they're more ingrained. There is that bit about women being permanently altered after pregnancy after all.

This could make sense for why I've been woeful about not feeling changed. I'd assumed that the maternal instinct would just kick in for me with having a baby, but it didn't. Hence the lack of talking much about baby related things in my journal. I'd love for that to change. Although I could be totally wrong. I very well might have gotten the oxytocin when pumping milk. I'll probably get some extra oxytocin in either event, I assume that's probably part of the treatment to get breast milk in, which I will do when preparing for our package from Panama.

We'll see whether or not trying it as a treatment actually works. If it doesn't, hopefully I will get some in with breast feeding.

A couple of changes.

• I've finished the painting project I started, there are now clouds under the rainbow.
  
• I have a new pet chinchilla.

There have been many things that I've written that have seemed of the utmost importance to post. I can't remember most of them right now.

My New Years resolution is to stop beating myself up about not getting everything perfect. To be compassionate with myself. To see failing as okay.

From Karen Kimsey-House that I love: "If you're not failing at least half the time you're not trying hard enough." Its definitely not that I'm not trying hard. Its that I'm playing small and fussing over details in a little pond. I have no idea how to jump into a bigger pond, but then, I worry too much about understanding. It'll come to me. Its something to be, not something to figure out.

Eckart Tolle has a great line in Power of Now about things one cannot explain. The one that sunk in for me in elementary school is the color red. One cannot explain the color red to a blind person. Tolle explains that one cannot describe "being." There's no single part of a human that stays constant throughout a lifetime, but yet we all are Selves.