Yup. I caught it really quickly: realized I was probably manic around 6am, monitored for a few hours, decided it was getting worse and medicated at 9am.

Good things:
1. caught it early
2. responsible about dealing with it
3. had back up plan in place, which I followed
4. responsible about not driving when in altered mental state

Bad things:
1. Forth manic episode in a cycle of getting a manic episode roughly six months apart -- very frequent from my understanding of bipolar, which is worrisome.
2. New back up drug also worrisome: extremely effective at stopping mania. Side effect seems to be that I sleep a lot more than usual -- I slept about 24 hrs straight once I started it, but that seems reasonable since I'd barely slept the night before with being manic. However, I've continued to sleep significantly more than usual since then.

Here's what I wrote on a private filter diagnosing myself while manic. As noted, I decided to medicate about 3 hours after writing it:

( Read more... )

( sex -- no difference anymore :) )

I'll just paste in the email. As you've probably noticed in the reading of my journal, I think this guy is fabulous and highly recommend checking out his work.

( Read more... )

I just had a coaching call that helped me really put together this whole now thing.

I ended up talking about the metaphor of piano playing. I've demonstrated that I can play Rachmaninoff. I'm very proud of my technical ability and I worked very hard to prove it. And yet, I don't have so much expression when I play it. Or maybe I did when I was at peak performance, but I wasn't willing to maintain that level of devotion to one piano piece for very long.

Generally, it feels much better when I play christmas carols, and probably sounds better as well. I can really get into expression and flow and have a good time with a simpler piece of music. I'm not straining, I'm dancing in the moment. At least when I've had some practice, at this point I'm so out of practice that even christmas carols might be a challenge ;)

Anyway, the point is that the real flow, and real joy, are in a comfort zone, just playing. Mastery can be a comfort zone too when worked up to, but its not a good place to start.

The short is that the flow is what is most beautiful. The expression and delight as the piece moves along. Technical ability adds complexity, which is also beautiful, but which is empty in and of itself. Having written this, I'm very amused, because I essentially just described the masculine/feminine yin/yang, that Deida was talking about. The feminine is the flow of the river, and the masculine is the banks guiding the flow. In terms of music, the masculine is the structure, that which creates a song at all, and the feminine is the life force that flows through it.

( Sexual experience, including a bit that could potentially be upsetting )

My doing this was inspired by both the workshops, as has been the case with a lot of my behaviors lately. These two have obviously had a huge impact, given how often I refer to them.

The message from both of them is to just be transparent about emotions, even when they're really not what you want to feel. When we repress what we feel to do what we think we should, the emotions are still there, and come out covertly. One way they come out for me is a general deadening of emotional life.

( how Big Mind fits into this )

Also, its really nice how much more accepting Patri has been since our workshop. Having been drilled about the difference between the masculine and feminine way of moving through the world, he has more space for my fluidly changing emotional landscapes, even though he's still baffled by them ;)

I think my journal is a good example. I write one thing one day, and then am embarrassed about it the next. Or no longer identify with it. Something I write will be of monumental importance to me in the evening, and the next day, the next hour, its a passing self absorbed thought. Each state is real to me. I've tried all my life to have a consistent "me" that agrees with what it says one moment in the next moment. And its a great relief to just accept that my perspective changes, often drastically, with my moods, which change constantly.

There are of course some things that stay the same for a long time, likely for all of my life. Such as my faith that acceptance of self generally leads to a happier self. As well as the that there is a need to put on masks for the world, even when they are not necessary for masking for one's self.

I'm making progress both with myself and with Patri. Especially with Patri, its something I am approaching gingerly and with a strong connection where I can read when he is or isn't ready for something.

An area where I accept myself and he doesn't is my anger. He takes it very personally and stonewalls hard if I come on too strongly. I think he believes me about how anger, even really intense anger, from me, is passing, and likely won't be a big deal for me five minutes after expressing. Emotionally he is not ready.

[written last night]

At the Deida workshop I learned how to integrate a part of myself that has been pretty much an alter-ego up to this point. The stripper.

I've only let that go at full volume in very controlled environments (aka, strip clubs with bouncers). At the workshop, we were doing various forms of "be sexually irresistible" in male/female pairs, where each would critique the other for what they could do to be more attractive (the sexuality I'm referring to is energy, as opposed to body type). I had a really great time with this. It was easy to dust off the old skillz and to simply do something, and better yet, be appreciated for, something I excel at. On the 1 to 10 scale I was getting 10s.

It was wonderful to have a safe environment where I could play with that aspect of myself. As those who spend time with me know, the only time it has really come out over the past few years has been when I was manic.

So basically, its this aspect of myself that I have, for very good reason, kept damped down for all of my life. Even in my days of full stripper glory, I was still very careful with limits.

Something that has been historically very frustrating for me, is that it seemed like Patri is the only guy who was pretty much immune to it.

So, with the workshop, I made the connection of how to "connect" with this energy. And specifically, how to connect with Patri. Since the workshop, I've been able to just look at Patri and send us both straight to the bedroom.

I'm really happy about this. And, its presenting all kinds of new problems. For example, I really like being in that mode when I'm feeling safe about it, but I don't really want to be having sex all the time! And when I put that energy out there, Patri pretty much has to have sex ;)

I think part of what is going on, is that I really love the flirtation, and I love following through on it, when it works, but it doesn't work very well, because it takes a feedback loop, which Patri and I are not yet good at sustaining.

So, I'm rather frustrated. Now that I've got that piece integrated, I don't want to repress it. But there is the issue that it would make chaos of our lives if I don't. Or perhaps I would quickly decide to repress it if I left it unrepressed for very long ;)

I wrote up a whole long post but it didn't do much justice or make much sense without tons of context, so I think I will suffice to give a recommendation for David Deida's books, and leave it at that.

Patri's summary is excellent.

Having experienced this philosophy in action, its really obvious how in partnership, each of us brings so much more to the experience when we are offering ourselves on a deep level, than when we are trying to take or divide that which is readily available.

I just read this quote off of his website:

You are either withholding your love in fear, or giving your deepest gifts.