Emotionally, I fear resilience as fleeting. I have the perspective that if I can't maintain this level of function, then I don't have it.

I think that perspective largely comes out of having spent most of my life depressed. It's all going uphill, and I feel like each new fortress I claim, I'm only holding onto by virtue of pushing back an onslaught that would wash away all my progress were I to stop and take a breath.

Always pushing. Always a challenge. Not in a good way. ;)

So it is with trepidation that I'm enjoying the energy I'm having today.

I'm trying to outmaneuver myself and convince myself that just because I do something once doesn't mean that I'm committing to doing it forever, and I can just enjoy that moment without having to defend the castle I've made of sand.

These bipolar book authors write so much more about mania than depression. 2 of the 3 I've read were written by bipolars, and the 3rd (The Bipolar Disorder Survival Guide, by David J. Miklowitz, PhD) probably was too for all I know, so it makes sense. Its very fun to reminisce, and manic stunts make for hella good stories ;)

I guess there's just not as much to say about depression. Can only mention that bipolar people often get suicidal when depressed so many times. That's the down side of reading these books. I relate so much to the manic bits, and they're so fun to read, and, I haven't had the major depression yet. I don't think about it most of the time. And Patri thinks I might not even get it. But of course I'm scared. And most likely, I will get it. The pendulum is going to swing the other way, and when it does I don't know if I'll be able to take it. I'm already worn down as it is.

Maybe I should stop reading these damn books. All they do is make me want to be manic and afraid that I'm going to get depressed. Well that's not all they do, but they're certainly effects. Like the book says, I should read it in order to understand what I'm going through, to learn self management techniques to help deal with mood cycles, and to improve my functioning.

I'm not depressed right now, but just thinking about being depressed makes me want to crawl under the covers and die. I'm probably going to get it really bad. And the bipolar depression meds don't help that much.

Alright. Going to try to make it through this book (which I'm just starting), and then no more for a long time. No point in being depressed now about being depressed in the future, that's just depressing ;)

Its annoying, because I think this book is going to mostly tell me things I already know, and I hate slogging through stuff like that, but if there are gems to be found, these are ones that would be very worth finding for me personally.

It seems that the anxiety spike the other day was just a random spike, I was fine after a couple of hours. Yesterday however, was on the whole pretty black, all the way until this morning. I made a comment about it to Patri, and he reminded me about Klonopin, a benzodiazepine, is a pretty seriously addictive drug, and that the withdrawals are probably intense.

I've noticed that I seem to feel withdrawals the most about 3 to 4 days after I cut down on a drug, and sure enough, that's where I was on the calendar.

I spent more time on Sunday in bed than out of it, and was feeling kind of bad about it, but now that I'm aware that this is drug related depression, I feel less bad about it. I've been feeling better this afternoon, although I'm still feeling off enough that I'm going to crawl back into bed, without so much guilt this time.

Its tricky to balance seeing how much hormones impact how I interact with the world, with a feeling of empowerment: being able to take control of my life regardless of state.

Right now I don't feel like fighting. And thankfully I don't think I need to, since this drug related depression should lift on its own.

Its been the better part of a year now that I've been on Lamictal. I have not been depressed at all during that time. What a fucking difference! I'm much happier with my life, I'm more productive, and I feel "normal." No side effects that I'm aware of.

Having come from the school of not wanting to fuck with my brain with a long term med, I am so glad that I tried it. Also glad that I'm in an era where a good anti-depressant is available.

I'm reminded of all this because of listening to the band Offspring, one of my favorites as a high schooler. The mood and they lyrics remind me of my perspective back in the day, and how much I've changed. Most of the change isn't med related, but some of it is. I need to listen to some of their newer stuff, I wonder if the band members have grown up in a similar way to what I have. They certainly care about the goings on in the world and looking at it objectively.

I've slept around 22.5hrs in the past 36hrs. I think that's more sleep surplus than I missed while manic. I had three possibilities that I thought fit this morning: 1) recovery from mania, 2) reaction to getting back on Risperdal 3) swinging into depression: depression usually follows mania, although it seems like it would be way early for the switch, and hopefully the Risperdal will prevent it.

Anyway, I've ruled out depression for now, since given a few hours I'm feeling fine, although still groggy. This afternoon I was practically drunk in my fuzziness. For example, it took me three attempts to spell my name correctly at the gym. That's f*ed up. I also loudly told my trainer that I'd just had a manic episode in front of all of the other trainers. Not a big deal, I don't really care that much if they think I'm crazy, and my trainer is cool, but still, not normally something I would broadcast to people I don't know well, IRL ;)

But the real suckage was during the night when I realized I was manic. It was bizarre to be both rational and crazy at the same time. My body was hot, at least I think it was. I thought my palms were sweating, but James said that my hands were really cold. I was talking fast and feeling euphoric, but I also knew that I was prone to doing things that I'd rather not be doing.

So, I called my neighbor James at 5:30am and asked him to come over. At first I just asked him to keep an eye on me, but as the morning progressed I was feeling more and more crazy, and less and less in control, so around 6am I came up with a plan: 1) call therapist 2) call psychiatrist 3) get self committed to mental institution. Luckily the psychiatrist answered the phone and had a reasonable course of action for me*, so I didn't have to move to #3, but I did honestly feel crazy enough that I would have done it if I hadn't gotten in touch with the psychiatrist soon.

But yeah, the self awareness was so weird. It might be less weird for people who are schitzophrenic, because I think they actually believe the delusions they are experiencing, but for me, I bought into my stories on one level, and also knew they were bogus on another level, at the same time.

Anyway, its a good thing that I realized very quickly what was going on, and that I was responsible enough to take measures to stop it, even though I knew that the euphoria would stop, which I really didn't want to happen at the time.

This is also bringing me to a new level of acceptance. I was well aware of the fact that most bipolars relapse, even when medicated, but I'd managed to convince myself that this wouldn't happen to me. That the bipolar was something I was in control of.

So, now I know that I really do have a fairly serious condition. Again, hopefully when I increase the meds that will control it, but it might not. In the least, increasing meds *does* seen to have controlled it this time.

I think one thing that makes it so hard to accept is how late in life it came on for me. I was perfectly fine until I hit the age of 29, or at least so I thought. I think the dysphoria (mild depression) is something I've had all of my life. And that is something that the drugs seem to have cured, which is *great.* Hopefully the being cured part sticks and isn't a short term coincidence. I didn't realize until I was 29, again, that I'd been depressed. I'd just thought that I had anxiety and was cynical.

*_{He told me to start taking Risperdal again. Upon his telling me this it was a very obvious thing to do: I had the drug on hand from the last time I'd been taking it, and I knew it was a quick acting drug that had worked the last time I was on it. My not immediately thinking of this was a symptom of how out of it I was feeling.}

I've realized gradually that my model of humanity is fundamentally ugly and grey. Its an underlying not super conscious thing. I just have been learning to recognize it lately.

The thing that I most associate with it is an ugly piece of art I made in a class at UCSD. It was definitely based off of a model from Mr. NPD who I was with at the time. I'd made in photoshop two stick figure metal robots who were working on some cool projects, juxtaposed with a guy yelling at his daughter for tinkering with something involving a screwdriver, and looking at her happily while she sat on the couch watching television. The thing was titled "Alive?"

I don't think that's where the darkness started, but it was most definitely reinforced during those years.

And now, I glimpse it, and want to change, but have not yet figured out how to bring it into the light and meet it.

If not that model of humanity, how do I replace it?

Other things I think associated with it is just a basic judeo-christian model of humanity as bad. Almost as if I was Catholic or something ;) We should stay married, but love doesn't last and we divorce. We kill each other over trivialities, seemingly without guilt. Everything seems empty. Ugly. Bare metal. Sort of pretty in and of itself, but devoid of warmth and color.

Perhaps what I'm describing is depression. That is what has been with me, and what I'm starting to dig up.

Its odd trying to think of humanity in another way. As something worthwhile. As something beautiful and full of love. It seems like a lie to me. The dark model I've so long accepted as true. I have faith in. Sadly. But I'm not finding faith yet elsewhere.

Fyi, I'm not depressed at the moment. I've been meaning to write this entry for awhile, but just now found the time and energy to do so.