I've been rushing around all morning getting things done. I was already stoic in my anticipation of likely rejection, so I didn't respond at all when I saw the email.

I've been rushing back and forth getting things done. Eventually I realized that I really wanted company. And recalled the recent conversation with the therapist, along with much other collective wisdom I've gotten recently, that I need to work on myself first.

I went and picked up my morning pages, and wrote to myself: "I need myself to cry to. I need myself to experience this emotion. I am sad."

And, the tears followed. I wrote "I am sad" a couple of times to prolong it, but eventually gave into the pull and returned to my much less emotional "live" journal ;)

Those few moments are progress. I'd wanted to just cover over the hurt. Not feel it. I was going to, I'm good at doing that. And I stopped myself and helped myself feel.

As the therapist said, this is probably going to take some kicking and screaming. What I've been absolutely craving lately is a new relationship, which, given that I'm poly, is an option for me. And, the resounding wisdom of people around me says *that is a bad idea,* and honestly I have to agree. I just want something, someone, help, so much right now, but really, that isn't the help I need. It is only help in escaping myself.

What I want to do is cut myself open, turn myself inside out, and then put myself back together again anew. Or something like that. The traumaticness of the description probably is an expression of my fear. Lets just say that I'm working on huge change, coming from the inside. I don't want to just smooth things over. I don't want to just not feel the emotions and live as an automaton. On some levels. And on some levels, I really just want to shut off the pain and go back to sleep.